i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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