There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm both gender and math confused
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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