Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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