why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
