Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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