She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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