Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
