I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
