i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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