You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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