I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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