this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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