i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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