sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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