I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
