i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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