I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I skipped work to stalk him.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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