I think my vagina is haunted
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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