I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
