I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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