I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
