as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
lets start a swedish sibling band together
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
