I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
