My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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