someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
