Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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