Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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