I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
