I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
