im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
