I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
