I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
