My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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