So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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