I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
