I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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