I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
