from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You left your phone here
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