I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
