Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
