i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
