my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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