guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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