I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
