whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
