she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
