Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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