Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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