I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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