are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
