No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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