I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
